Balance (open thread)

I have so much to talk about but I just don't seem to have the time. Today's topic is balance. This issue seems to come frequently in our daily lives. Jess and I have talked about it a lot lately too. It came up today in my mentor thread. The inevitable question is

How do you strike a balance between the sport(s) and other obligations in life? When life feels out of balance what do you do to achieve equilibrium again?

We all wear different hats as friends, parents, significant others, community volunteers, boss, employ, mentor, athlete, etc. Balancing is a very difficult act. Jess read an interesting passage the other day that basically said that multi-tasking ensures that you will never be really good at one thing. Multi-tasking is a way of life now and it does breed mediocrity in some parts of life as you shirk responsibility in favor of other obligations.

I realized all this early this morning as I looked my house and found it in shambles. Clothing everywhere, tri gear spread as if a hurricane just came through. I have also be feeling this lately at work. I feel like I am not being a good manager and employ. I am not giving work 100% because my time and energy is focused everywhere (nevermind I am blogging from work). Essentially, I am not balanced. I feel a bit stretched thin.

Consider this an open thread. How do you deal with the question posed above? Talk amongst yourselves as I try to switch back into work mode..

Oh....look....something shiny.

Scenic City Triathlon

Race day finally arrived. The funny thing was that I found myself really anxious and nervous leading up to the race. I can only believe it was facing the fear of what happened in New Orleans. In fact, I couldn't sleep the night before. I was out like a baby before Ironman and I can't sleep before a sprint. Some things I will never understand.

I spent most of the week providing positive reinforcement for my mindset. I knew it was a low key race falling on a BIG race weekend for most of the southeast. Given this, I knew the race wouldn't draw a deep field of talent. So I used this to my advantage. My goal was simple--to win the race. :) No pressure. Joking aside, I wanted to give it 100% for the entire race. And if that puts me in the front great...I would love to lead off the bike.

Jess and I drove to Chattanooga Saturday afternoon, picked up our packets and drove the course before retiring to our hotel. Morning finally arrived and I was ready to go. I ate a banana and clif bar while sipping on gatorade. Transition was open racking so I was determined to be the first there. We were the third car to arrive and I was the first bike on the rack, right where I wanted to be.

I was feeling good Sunday morning. I was loose but very focused. I took my shot of caffeine and a gel around 7 and then headed down to the water. I made sure to swim for about 10 minutes to get warmed up. The lake temp was perfect at 67 degrees. What I really love about these low-key races is the informal nature of them. There was no grand swim start. Instead, the race director yelled go. Then did it again. Finally he hit the air horn because no one was listening. Awesome.

I lined up to the far right on the front. My goal was to go hard for 600m. I wanted to come out of the water with the lead pack. Fortunately, I heard the second yell from the race director so I hit the water early and got out in front. I was sighting to my left and slowly inched over to hang with the lead pack through the first turn buoy. Somewhere over the next 50m they began pulling away. I was killing myself and nearly panic.

I made the second turn and settled into an aggressive pace but could tell that I was leading the second pack. Not good. The best position is the 2nd position. Let someone else do the work. So I slowed and let the pack come around me. I grabbed what feet I could and continued to swim beyond my ability.

I came out of the water winded and dizzy. Whew. I had never pushed that hard. The run to transition was brutal (think Emerald Point). I was sluggish going up the hill and had all kinds of trouble getting out of my wetsuit. What's up with that? As I began to reach transition I saw the leaders starting the bike. I could tell that I was probably top-15 at this point.

I found my gear and jumped onto the bike. It began downhill so I allowed myself the free speed to get adjusted. The goal for the bike was to hammer and catch everyone. Coach Dan recommended 240-260 watts for me. I just went and went hard. In the first 10 minutes I caught three people. The bike was 14 miles. I was just hoping that I could hang on that long.

I will say that the course was probably the hardest sprint course I have ever done. There were 5-6 solid hills and at that pace, you had no choice but to hammer out of the saddle. I did play it smart and dropped to small chain ring to climb up the hill. I noticed that the small pack of riders would draw closer as I climbed but I dropped them immediately on the other side of the hill. At the 20 minute mark, I knew I was still on pace for a good ride.

The back half of the course had two nice hills. The last one was brutal and dropped my cadence to about 50. Poor beginners. Jess said she saw dozens of athletes walking their bike up the hill. I didn't seen anyone. The last 6 miles were really lonely. I could see one guy about a 1/2 mile in front of me but I wasn't gaining on him enough. On the final 4 miles, I dropped the hammer and just gave it my all. I was feeling REALLY strong. Of course, I wondered if I would pay for it on the run.

I took a few peeks behind me and there was no one. I had a pretty good idea of where I was in the race. I hit transition and saw only 4 bikes. Sweet!. I grabbed my headband and wristbands (kicking it 80s style for the race) and bolted out of the transition.

I hit the run and felt the legs. I really wanted to have a good run in this race but wasn't sure it would happen after that bike. This run course was killer. It was nothing but rollers and was very technical. You started off downhill and took a hard left that required you to stop your momentum over the loose gravel. Then back up the hill and more hills.

I didn't see a soul for over a mile. No one behind me, no one in front of me. At about 1.3 miles, I saw the leader and then 3 more guys about 20s behind him. I realize at this point I was in 5th place. I just needed to hang on....I knew I wouldn't catch these guys. At another sharp turn, I saw 2 guys behind me. The first guy caught me about a minute later. I turned it up another notch...doing whatever I could to keep the next guy off.

I cleared 2 miles and tried to push with whatever I could. At 2.5 there was another big hill (it clearly broke everyone). My plan was to get to the top and then let it all out for the next 3 minutes. Imagine my surprise when I get to the top and POOF the finish line. Course was short by 1/3 of a mile. Someone forgot to put a cone out and every athlete except one cut the course. I really can't say that I am upset. I didn't want anymore hills.

Official results aren't posted. I took 1st in the 30-34 age group and likely about 7th overall. Once all that gets posted, I will blog about it. Overall, I am thrilled. Not overly excited about winning my age group. Instead, I am more excited about pushing the race so hard. I just need to learn how to run off the bike. I need to shave a few minutes off my 5k to be really competitive. But for now, I will enjoy my moment. :)

It's Race Week

WOOT WOOT!

I have a small sprint on the calendar this weekend I couldn't be more excited. It will be the first time Jess and I have ever raced together too!!!

I am a little sad that I am not racing down in Atlanta with all my friends but I realized after registering for the race that if fell on the same weekend as her birthday. So I scrambled to find another race that would suffice. Low and behold I found a small one just outside of Chattanooga. It is 600m, 14 mi, 3.1 mi.

The best part is that it is a low key, local race. There might a few hundred people IF that. I really love these small races because they aren't events. (Plus they give an inflated perspective of how fast you really are).

The other day when I was up at All3, I met a couple that were both doing the race. The husband had raced it the last two years. He loves it. Said it provides just enough of a challenge that some competition comes back but it is easy and encouraging enough for beginners.

I don't have any real strategy for the race (because Dan hasn't given me a race plan). So my expectation are to give it 100% for the 75-80 minutes it should take me. I need to swim like a shark is chasing me. Ride like it is the Tour. And run as if being chased.

The only thing I care about this weekend it putting together a good run. NO sandbagging. I honestly would like to run sub-7s. I don't know if that will happen. But I need to run and feel like my heart is going to jump out of my chest.

Week of Testing Complete

Despite not getting in my long run yesterday, I completed the week of testing and I am still intact. I should take it as a good sign that my body adapted and doesn't feel crushed. Though, my massage therapist last night asked me if I had participated in the running of the bulls since my body felt trampled. I guess I expected a lot worse.

As mentioned in my previous blog, I rode at Columns for my 20 minute Time Trial to determine my new FTP. Aside from the blood, I had a great ride and my numbers took a giant leap. The first time I ever tested was back in September after returning from Belgium. I grinded out the test in Dan's basement and averaged 250 watts. I turned around a month later and produce 240 on a hilly time trial. Then 2 months ago, I was only able to squeek out 225 at the Tundra Time Trial. The numbers for Tundra weren't that surprising given that I hadn't cycled much outside of Hawaii.

I anticipated a bit of a bump on the new FTP test. I realistically thought I would be in the margin of about 250. I thought it would be awesome to be as strong as I was when I was peaking for IM FL. Hopefully that is a good equation for success later this year. I can't say that I was shocked after the test when the numbers registered was 260 watts. That is a 13% increase from two months ago.

• 20' TT 8.01 miles 24.01 mp, Avg 260 watts, 3.43 w/kg

On Friday, I had to return to Columns to complete a V02 test. Along with the FTP, this is shorter test that allows for more analysis in developing my power zones and power potential. The test is similiar but instead of pacing a bit for 20' time trial, it is all out for 5 minutes. This time it was sans blood. I managed to average 320 watts....thus indicating I have plenty of room to raise my FTP over the next few months.

• 4:49, 2.04 miles, 25.4 mph, Avg 320 watts, 4.25 w/kg

So what does all this mean? Well that is why I pay Dan, lol. Basically it indicates that from a strength perspective I am as strong of a rider as I was back in October when I was peaking for IM FL. It also indicates I still have room for improvement. I am thrilled about the 30 watt jump but I am also VERY realistic. It isn't surprising to see such gains early in the season. However, the work it will take to get the next 30 watts out of my legs will be brutal. Each improvement from here will take a whole lot more hard work. Ideally, by the end of the season, I would like to get my FTP up to about 300w. Sounds like Columns and I will be good friends this year.

FTP Testing....to a new level

There are many times in life when I wish a camera did not catch me doing something. Yesterday was not one of those days. I only wish a camera was present to watch my FTP test unfold.

I headed up to Columns yesterday to take on another series of bike tests to determine my training zones. This was the first real test of the year. The only other time I have taken my power numbers for zones was from the Tundra Time Trial. I was certainly hoping to see a nice 10% bump in power from all the training the last two months.

The protocol is simple, warm up for about 20 minutes, 10 more riding a bit harder and then 20 minutes all out and finally a cool down. The difficulty is sustaining maximum effort for 20 minutes. You have to make sure you don't go out too fast but you can't sand bag the effort. The moniker that best describes it is that you need to have snot flying and tongue hanging out type effort.

Well I think I took that to the next level.

Yesterday was sunny but still a bit chilly. The radio reported 58 degrees so I may have been a bit under dressed for the ride. I got through my warm up just fine and began to mentally prepare for gutting out 20 minutes of 100% effort. A few minutes in, I was feeling the burn and it felt so good.

The thing about 100% effort is that you bypass taking in water. You stick in aero position and just grind. As for the snot...it was flying. It really amazes me how much mucus builds when you are going really hard. And then it happened. I guess a capillary or blood vessel burst in my nose when I cleared it.

I thought people were looking at me funny because I was going so hard out there. Nope. I thought my nose was running just a bit. Nope. It was bleeding. Not quite a river of blood but a small tributary running from my right nostril down to my mouth. I refused to acknowledge it and wait until the next turnaround.

When I reach turnaround, I wipe my nose and realize that it is a bit more blood than I originally thought. And wiping it only smeared it on my hands and face. Still no time to stop, I began pushing even more. I tend to clinch my teeth/jaw when I push hard on the bike. And wouldn't you know, I bite my lip. Now I have blood in my mouth. My spit is red too.

I finish my 20 minutes and began to cool down. A cyclists asks if I am ok. I can just laugh about it at this point. I can only imagine what it looked like to other people. So I am adopting a new moniker....no more pushing until the snot is flying. Push until you make yourself bleed. Now...if only there was a camera out there.

Weekend Musings

Not a whole lot to report here. I did as I said and cut out most of my training last week. I think it did a body good. I got in a couple of runs during the week. On Saturday I went up to Columns for an hour and grinded it out for a few laps. Sunday, I went for a 6 mile run. My body didn't feel great but my pace was swift.

In other news, I purchased some new kicks. My readers may remember my love affair with Asics Gel-Kayano. I went through 6-7 pairs of these shoes and probably close to 2000 miles. Well the affair is over. In fact it was over in January. I visited my favorite store Big Peach to discuss going a different route. We determined that the stability shoe was possibly giving me TOO much stability thus forcing my foot outward. The outward motion contributed to my ITBS situation. So I switched over to a more neutral shoe and poof many of the ITBS problems have gone away. GRRRR...

Fast forward a few weeks and it was time to purchase another pair of shoes. I am generally pleased with my Saucony Progrid Guide. However, I wanted to review all my options. I ended up buying two pairs of shoes. The Saucony Progrid Guide 2 and the Nike Zoom Structure Triax. I have decided that unless I find a shoe I love this year that I am going to mix it up a bit. I hope to purchase a pair of Zoot shoes in the next few weeks. My thoughts are that since I am not perfectly happy, why settle? Each of the shoes are slightly different and will work different muscles. Barring any pain, this should make me a stronger runner.

On another note, I have a bit fit for this week. Heading up to All3 to check out the Retul system. I am a bit skeptical but I trust Matt. He has fit me before. Hopefully he can position me better while increasing my wattage. And if he can take some pressure off of my right hip and ITBS then great.

I am still pondering Gulf Coast. I think I want to see how I respond to training this week before making the final determination. Coach Dan has me testing this week so it will be interesting to see where my numbers fall. I certainly believe they will be UP from the last test. And in other news, I will be racing just outside of Chattanooga in two weeks. It is just a small sprint. Hopefully it will be fun.

Redemption

Given Sunday's disappointment, I am finally at peace with everything that took place. As I move past a bad day I am focused on what next. What do I feel is in my best interests for the rest of the season?

I am taking this week off. I am going to train when I want. I went to the pool the other day to stretch out some. The weather is nice so I plan on taking in a run or a ride. I think I might dust off my road bike tonight and just cruise around town. Nothing stressful. The key is that I want to mentally reset. After my mental breakdown, I want to ensure that I am ready to move forward before I jump into 10-12 hours a week training.

The positive of NOLA is that my body is not trashed. I am fully recovered and could physically handle the intensity. Given this, I can't help but to wonder if I should sign up for Gulf Coast HIM. It is a month away. I wouldn't be able to peak for it but I could carry my fitness into it just fine. And, more importantly, it would provide me the opportunity to redeem myself. But that is exactly the problem.

I am spending a lot of time thinking about my motivation for the race. Is it to actually go out and have a good race or am I out to prove something to myself and other people. As it currently stands I think it is the later. After getting burned for misguided motivation, I can't help but to think that is the wrong reason to race.

Part of me gets excited about the prospect of racing. I think I can use my defeat as internal motivation to push myself in the race. I have used anger in the past to push through difficult periods. I also know the course and have fond memories of my triumph at IMFL.

The other part of me is straight scared. Scared that it will happen again. Scared of facing failure. The other night I drew a parallel to when I had my bike wreck. I remember how hard it was to get back on that bike again. I remember how hard it was to trust that bike again. I remember how hard it was to go down a sizeable hill. The race feels much of the same. I just don't know if I am ready to get on that bike again.

If I do make the decision to race Gulf Coast it needs to be for all the RIGHT reasons. I need to ensure that I can go out there a race it properly. I need to know that sub-5 can still be a goal but that it isn't the end of the world. I need to know that if it is windy that day, I can adjust and deal with it. Right now, I can only make half-convincing assumptions that it won't happen again. Being aware of my shortcomings/failures/weaknesses are vital to moving forward on this journey. But if there is a crack in the foundation then it might not serve me well to race again until I know that I am ready.

How the Levees Broke

As I have stated, I am not interested in pointing fingers or making up excuses for what happened on Sunday. I could easily hide behind the story of knee pain and say I was too scared to reinjure myself. But that is too much of a stretch. The reality is that I let my mindset beat me. My tough and rigid mentality crumbled.

Now that I have had some more time to analyze things, I am starting to understand WHY it happened. How was I capable of just giving in to failure and what do I do to prevent it from happening in the future?

1. Misguided motivation

This is the most obvious failure on my end. And to make matters worse, I have blogged about it before (here). I was motivated for all the wrong reasons. I put too much pressure on myself for this race that it left me NO room for failure. That isn't to say that I don't think I am capable of racing sub-5. However, what happened on Sunday was that I had no concept of not meeting my goal. I was SO motivated by a sub-5 race that it became a dealbreaker. An all or none proposition.

The sad thing is that I never saw this coming. For whatever reason, I was letting that time dictate everything. Extrinsic motivation was leading this wagon. In my mind there was no happiness or pleasure in pushing the swim, bike or run 100% only to go 5:02. And that is so wrong. If I give something 100% and fall short of a goal that isn't necessarily a bad thing. I can only give what my body will allow me.

2. Losing Sight of the Bigger Goal

Building on above, I completely lost sight of the goal. The goal for the SEASON is to get faster at the half-iron distance. Instead, I put all my eggs in one basket. I put it all on black and spun the wheel. For some reason, I made this race a defining one. Instead, it should have been simply my first race of the season. I needed to let it be just that...a baseline. Instead, I went out expecting to throw a complete game shutout on opening day instead of pitching a great game and securing a victory.

3. Racing with power for the first time

This was the first time I have ever truly raced with power. The times before were all out efforts where I didn't have to monitor my numbers. While I would fully expect training to take care of this issue, I never realized how taxing it is to race while being a slave to my numbers. I had a very narrow window. My eyes were locked on those numbers for 2.5 hours. It required more mental concentration than I have ever demonstrated.

In training, I had two primary long workouts. First was 2.5 hours with about 50% in z3. The other was 3x30' in z3. Both of them are race simulations training exercises. I never had trouble keeping my wattage during the training rides. But my mind did wander a lot in training. And when it did the numbers dropped. During the race it was the opposite. The amount of concentration it took to stay at my numbers was more than I was prepared for. It drained me both physically and mentally.

4. I quit before it was quitting time

Again, this is a place where I simply know better. How many of us start out on our long training runs and find the first two miles the hardest. It is when our body is not responding. And then like magic, the body responds and you take off. Amanda Lovato, on her 70.3 race this weekend, said "It goes to show, anything can happen in a longer race. Sometimes you just have to wait it out and let it work itself out."

She is dead on right. I gave up before my body had a chance to respond. My first mile was 8:47. Is that bad? It was to me when I was supposed to run 8:00. Nevermind that I have never run 8:47 at that distance. Nevermind that I didn't believe Dan when he said I would run 8:00. Nevermind that my personal race plan had me running 8:30s for the first two miles. Instead, I didn't like it. It pissed me off. And I gave in. I will never know if my body would have responded. Maybe it wouldn't have. Maybe I would end up walking 13.1 miles. Or maybe it would have responded and allowed me to run what I wanted. I will never know.

5. I didn't adjust

The swim was no doubt a bit long. Looking at the pro times, everyone seemed to be 3-4 minutes slower than normal. This makes sense now. But I didn't make this adjustment on race day. Would I be anymore content going 5:02 knowing that the course was a bit long? Well I would still be irritated but probably a bit more at peace with things. Second, I didn't adjust to the conditions of the race. I couldn't push the bike like I wanted in the wind. This, like above, culminated in defeating me mentally instead of pushing me.

The odd thing is that riding 2:37 is an 8 minute pr for me. My overall speed was extremely competitive. Instead, all I could focus on was that the winds of the course were beating me down and not letting me go as fast as I wanted. Jess reminded me that I was the second person back to my rack. I didn't even notice this. Normally that would excite me because I would have an idea how my bike compared to the rest of the field I see this now that I look at the results. All I could see was that there was no way I would make sub-5. I never adjusted mentally to anything in the race.

Finally, things didn't go my way. That morning, I didn't have an edge. I was never in the zone. I was extremely irritable instead of relaxed. I did things differently. I listened to my ipod instead of the sounds in transition. I didn't go for a small jog. Everything was a bit off for a very routine based person. My 5 hour energy drink didn't kick in like I planned for it. I was hot on the course and really hot when I started running.

In the end, each of these had a negative impact on me for the day. The bulk of what I experienced was a result of #1 & #2. I never once gave any thought to what would happen if I had a bad race. I wasn't prepared. Instead, I was ONLY focused on making that giant leap from a good athlete to a great one. In my world, failure wasn't an option. So when I realized failure, in the sense of not going sub-5 was the only option, I crumbled. Everything was sapped right out of me.

But in retrospect, I did accomplish what I set out to do. I said that I needed a race to teach me a lesson. I just didn't think there would be several lessons and a DNF. Humbling experiences are sometimes the most important ones. I think it is fair to say that I learned a lot from this experience. It is a guilt that I have to live with. The key will be applying theses lessons moving forward so that the next time the thought of quitting enters my head, it isn't an option.

NOLA 58.4

(though I didn't finish the race, I am going to still produce a race report. I am going to attempt to write it from the perspective of a race report as if I did finish. I will then come back in later blogs and fill in more about what happen).

I headed out of Atlanta Thursday night for Birmingham to stay with my parents before heading down to New Orleans. Friday morning, my mother and I began making the six hour journey through rural Mississippi down I-59. We stayed at a Bed and Breakfast on the northwest side of the French Quarter.

That evening I went to pick up Jess and attend a mandatory athletes meeting. This was the most absurd thing I have ever had to do in this sport. They would not let you pick up your race packet unless you attended one of these meetings. To make matters worse, they didn't discuss anything substantial. In fact, they gave out bad information such as saying NO garmins were allowed on the run. WTF? (reports later said he correct himself. Oops for the 300 athletes in one meeting). So packet pickup took nearly 2 hours and left me in a cranky mood. We I got back to the hotel I went for a small run to shake out the legs. That night we found an Italian restaurant where I had some fettuccine pesto with shrimp.

I managed to get a really good nights sleep and meandered around the B&B for a while. I went to pick up Tony 2Goggs and headed up to the lake for a brief workout. The lake was fine. Temperatures were good. The downside was there was NO visibility. I mean maybe 18 inches. I swam for about 15 minutes. I even jumped on a guys feet and still couldn't see them. No worries....just swim by feel. Later that afternoon, I returned to transition to drop off my bike. I must say that it was the largest transition I have ever seen. With nearly 3000 participants, transition seemed to span nearly a dozen parking lots. I am not exaggerating when I say that my rack was the furthest from the swim entrance and run exit. It felt like a quarter of a mile, lol.

I tried to stay off my feet that night but it really isn't possible in New Orleans. We walked down to a pizza joint and grabbed dinner before retiring to the room where I stayed up watching the Tar Heels play.

The alarm went off at 4:30 and I was out of bed without any problem. I was giddy as always as I bounced around the room. I ate a banana and an untoasted bagel, then drowned myself with an ensure. Yummy...breakfast of champions. Then it was time to head to transition.

I got to transition and settled pretty easily. I put my stuff down, said hello to Desiree and decided to get out of there. I never see the point of obsessing about things in transition. It only makes you more nervous. Since the swim was a point-to-point, they had shuttles heading down to the swim start. The problem was that you still had a long walk from the drop off to the start. Next time I will bring an extra pair of shoes.

I hopped in the water for a few minutes to warm up. The sun was barely up so the visibility was nil. I seriously couldn't see my hand under water. I made my way out of the water and to the corral. I was in the first wave group after the pros. We finally made it into the water and began positioning ourselves. I started left, closer to the buoy and in second position. I had a seem than I planned on exploding through to find the fast feet. The gun went off and so did we.

My first 2-300m were solid. We spread out easily. I swam over people when needed and had no problem. In fact, I would say my first 5-8 minutes were one of the best I ever had. I never looked up. I had people on both side of me and someone in front of me. I just swam with them. I continued to keep the head down and focused on the people around me so that I could draft. I wasn't sure how hard I was swimming at this point. I felt like I was being aggressive but I was also a bit winded and tired.

About the 15' mark I got dropped and strung out in no man's land. I popped out of the water looking for feet and made a move to my left as I spotted a couple of fish to swim with. The problem with the point to point swim is that you never really have a good idea where you are on the course. There was a 'half way' red buoy. I knew I had been in the water for a while and felt like that buoy had to be further than .6 miles. I peeked at my watch and it said 18:40. I was pissed. No way half this course took me that long. I tried to refocus on finding feet and for the most part I was successful. By the 30' mark, I was tired of being in the water. I thought for sure I was going to hit transition any minute but it still looked far off in the horizon.

I made the final turn toward the exit and came across a big group of rocks. About 100m later I stood up and started wading toward the exit. I glanced at my watch and it read 35:37. I was pretty deflated. I pushed out of the water toward the wetsuit strippers. The carpet was very thin and you felt every rock under you. I decided to forgo the strippers because I was worried about landing on some rocks. I made the long trek to my bike and hopped out of the wetsuit, grabbed what I needed and was out of transition. T1: 2:34

I started the bike pretty deflated from the pathetic swim. I thought to myself that I would push the final 15-20 miles of the bike and try to make up a few extra minutes and I would be right on target. The bike started with a short out and back through the crowd. I spent the time settling into the saddle and finding my watts. After we zipped through town, I took my 5 hr energy drink and I was ready to go.

One of the greatest aspects of this race was that it was completely closed to traffic. I have never seen so many cops. There were literally cops at EVERY road....including each neighborhood or church outlet. The race really shut down the city. I found my groove relatively easily. I was playing it smart. When I hit the bridges, I didn't grind. I dropped to small ring and spun up them. I was keeping my watts on the lighter side of my plan. I felt like I was racing it conservatively.

On the way out, I felt like were were on a small false flat. It felt much like the Silver Comet Trail and I was anticipating coming back at a slightly faster pace. As we turned onto the Chef the winds began picking up from what seemed like every direction. The coolest part of the race was being able to see the pros. You rarely get to seem them on the bike. I saw nearly all the women pros since I was only about 10 minutes behind them. I made it out the 24 mile turnaround and I was dead on my watts. I peeked at speed and was riding what I was expected to ride.

I continued to slice through the wind on the return before hitting Hwy 11. This was one of the most brutal stretches of roads I have ever endured. The wind was whipping me around like I have never experienced. It was unrelenting for the 5 miles out and 5 miles back. I did my best to stay aero tight and hold my prescribed watts. The sun was starting to come out so I grabbed a water from the aid station and began cooling myself down.

When we turned back onto the Chef we were into a solid headwind. I knew I was still on par for a good ride but it was time to push a bit more and gain a few minutes. So I pushed and the wind pushed back. I tried to wait it out and it didn't seem to want to help. Even coming back on Haynes Blvd the wind was unrelenting. This is where I thought I would have a slight downhill. I kept my eyes ahead and I wasn't gaining on the athlete despite feeling like I was giving it more effort. I peeked behind me and saw that no one was gaining on my anytime soon. We were all in this together.

At this point I was still trying to fight off the negative demons in my head from the swim. I was pushing the bike but not making up ground. Essentially, I was drowning in negativity. The wind was really taking it out of me. Physically, I was tired but felt like I should be from pushing the bike. But I really felt like I was having to give it more effort than I should to hold my watts. I made the mistake of peeking at my watch to see what the race time was. It was becoming very apparent to me that I wasn't going to be sub-5. This didn't sit well with me. The demons were infiltrating my head at a rapid pace. I didn't feel like running 13.1 miles today.

I struggled the last few miles. I tried to surge to get to feeling better but I was pretty beat. I was hoping the crowd would energize me. It didn't. I came off my bike and I had NO desire to run today. None. The worst part was that I couldn't realize that I actually had a good ride. The results show that I was 53/352 at that point. That is top 15% in my age group. But my mind was focused elsewhere. I didn't care. I had no passion or desire in my body.

I entered transition and yelled to Jess to call Dan and see if he would rather me DNF than run 13.1 miles. To me, if I wasn't going to meet my goal, I am not sure it made sense to tax my body over a hot 13.1 miles just for a t-shirt and medal. I made the decision to not stop and continue out of transition to start the run. T2: 2:17

As I exited transition, I was getting passed left and right. I felt like my form was horrible and I was running the pace of molasses. I continued to push and didn't like the way my body felt. I knew that it would take a miracle run to pull of a sub-5 race. I hit the one mile mark at 8:47. I was completely defeated. If 8:47 felt like that then I wasn't sure I would even PR on this day. Running a 2 hr half mary sounded miserable. I wasn't even sure I could pull that off. Doing a 5:30 meant nothing to me. I was not happy at all with my mindset but after stewing like this for well over 2 hours I couldn't move past it.

I decided to stop. I knew I needed to regather myself. I began thinking through the mental aspect of quitting a race. Was I being a wuss and this is the pain that I expected to experience? It didn't feel like the pain I remember from other races. Is it worth slowly jogging 13.1 miles or should I save my body and prevent any potential injury? Why did I want to quit? What went wrong today? Did I push the bike to hard? Were my watts wrong? All of these thoughts race through my head not making the situation any better. I decided to continue moving forward by walking in an attempt to regain my composure.

I was 1.5 miles into the run course and I had already stopped and was walking. I was done. I had given up on the race. I just needed to convince myself of it. So I turned around. I took off my race belt and chip. I walked back to the aid station and asked them to radio in Athlete 152-DNF. Due to the layout of the course, I had to walk back against the flow of run traffic. I pulled down my visor and tried to hide behind my sunglasses. Wouldn't you know that I am the most easily identifiable person in the world. This was truly the walk of shame.

I made it back to transition and gathered my thoughts. I sat under a tree and watched the rest of the race carnage unfold. When my watch beeped 5 hours, I turned it off. When my ride arrived, I walked past the other athletes who were still coming off the bike. I got in the car and headed back to the hotel. I just wanted a long shower and some quiet space to think.

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In the end, I got mentally defeated. I let the demons get the best of me today. And I let them get the best of me for all the WRONG reasons. I will never fully understand what happened out there on Sunday. I will never understand how I was able to actually turn around and walk back to transition. 48 hours later I am still just as shocked as anyone else. The key for me is to begin understanding why it happened so that it doesn't happen ever again.

You Finish What You Start

On my ride home, I was listening to a podcast with a pro triathlete. I swear it was perfect timing. The interviewer was asking about how one pushes through the tough times and when it is ok to take the easy way out by quitting. The athlete admitted to pulling out of races before. She understands why people do it. But she adheres to a simple philosophy--you finish what you start.

I have used that motto hundreds of times in my life. On Sunday that motto was nowhere to be found. I spent most of today in a daze about the race. I really thought it was a strange dream. Surely, I didn't actually quit a race. I can't recall the last time I ever quit something. In fact, one of my problems in my personal life is that I often can't walk away from situations because it feels like quitting.

In talking with friends today, everyone is shocked. They all agree that I am the LAST person in the world to quit a race. I am the type to walk the 13 miles rather than turn in my chip. I am still dumbfounded with how I came to that decision. I understand the why...but I am still in disbelief that I made the decision and stuck with it.

I could sit around and make excuses for the race. Bad nutrition, poor sleep, stress, not being prepared, race conditions, etc. But it doesn't matter. I quit. I was a big pussy. Things weren't going my way so I took my ball and went home. It is as simple that.

You finish what you start.

Mission Fail

First off, I want to say thank you for all the support leading up to the race. Family and friends, even those I don't know, have provided me with a wealth of support over my racing career and for that I am very grateful.

I didn't deliver this weekend. I had a mediocre swim, a good bike and then I ran 1 mile. Just one. I decided to pull out of the race. That's about all I have to report right now. No injuries, nothing is wrong with me physically. I just gave up.

I am giving it a lot of thought and obviously will write about it much more in the next few days/weeks.

Bust or Go Home

Those were the words from coach. He heard me loud and clear. Maybe a bit too loud and clear. I think the reality set in with the delivery of my race plan. I realize how much this is going to hurt. Dan certainly held nothing back and his race plan actually made me open my eyes even more. I think I actually gasped.

A few people have asked me about my attitude for the race and why I have this mentality. I began to expand upon this in my previous blog. I need to learn a lesson. I want to know where that line is. But more importantly, I need to begin expecting more out of myself. I went 11:03 at IMFL on a injury plagued season. Simple deduction says I can race a HIM in 5:30 by just pacing myself. Two years ago, I went 5:22 in the last HIM I raced. That was with three months of IM base training. I have to believe that I have gotten faster.

My attitude is simple. Given a decent race, I should PR without a problem. That isn't enough for me. The goal is simple...go sub 5. And that may be a stretch. Every which way I calculate my splits, I know I should be able to pull out a 5:05-5:10 if I am smart. But I don't want that. I would rather walk part of the run and finish 5:40 than go 5:05. I am still eaten up by the 3 minutes I left on the table at Ironman. From my perspective, if I go 5:02 then I didn't give it 100%. Somewhere I sandbagged it. So this race is me versus the clock.

What will it take to find that few extra minutes? Learning about my pain threshold and pushing through it. Go balls to the wall or go home. Can I swim 1 minute faster, bike 3 minutes faster and run 3 minutes faster. It sounds so easy on paper but is going to hurt so bad.

So there it is. Contentment begins with a sub-5 race. I know I am capable of pulling that off. It will require 100% focus for all 5 hours. A mental lapse on the swim means I get dropped. Losing focus on the bike will cost me 5 watts. And then I have 13.1 miles to fight off the negative demons. I did it for 26.2 miles in November. It is time to recreate that mentality and push.

Bust or go home. It is that simple.