Redemption

Given Sunday's disappointment, I am finally at peace with everything that took place. As I move past a bad day I am focused on what next. What do I feel is in my best interests for the rest of the season?

I am taking this week off. I am going to train when I want. I went to the pool the other day to stretch out some. The weather is nice so I plan on taking in a run or a ride. I think I might dust off my road bike tonight and just cruise around town. Nothing stressful. The key is that I want to mentally reset. After my mental breakdown, I want to ensure that I am ready to move forward before I jump into 10-12 hours a week training.

The positive of NOLA is that my body is not trashed. I am fully recovered and could physically handle the intensity. Given this, I can't help but to wonder if I should sign up for Gulf Coast HIM. It is a month away. I wouldn't be able to peak for it but I could carry my fitness into it just fine. And, more importantly, it would provide me the opportunity to redeem myself. But that is exactly the problem.

I am spending a lot of time thinking about my motivation for the race. Is it to actually go out and have a good race or am I out to prove something to myself and other people. As it currently stands I think it is the later. After getting burned for misguided motivation, I can't help but to think that is the wrong reason to race.

Part of me gets excited about the prospect of racing. I think I can use my defeat as internal motivation to push myself in the race. I have used anger in the past to push through difficult periods. I also know the course and have fond memories of my triumph at IMFL.

The other part of me is straight scared. Scared that it will happen again. Scared of facing failure. The other night I drew a parallel to when I had my bike wreck. I remember how hard it was to get back on that bike again. I remember how hard it was to trust that bike again. I remember how hard it was to go down a sizeable hill. The race feels much of the same. I just don't know if I am ready to get on that bike again.

If I do make the decision to race Gulf Coast it needs to be for all the RIGHT reasons. I need to ensure that I can go out there a race it properly. I need to know that sub-5 can still be a goal but that it isn't the end of the world. I need to know that if it is windy that day, I can adjust and deal with it. Right now, I can only make half-convincing assumptions that it won't happen again. Being aware of my shortcomings/failures/weaknesses are vital to moving forward on this journey. But if there is a crack in the foundation then it might not serve me well to race again until I know that I am ready.